3rd September 2024
Birthdays, breaks, and hope
Hey, I've been gone from the internet for three months.
Well, that's not completely true. I've been doomscrolling on Reddit during that time too.
But I've lately been uncharacteristically absent from Discord and YouTube. This is because I dunno.
I've gotten really into Dimension 20! I love that show! Unfortunately, listening to it takes up a lot of my day. It feels kind of unhealthy. Oh well. I'm in the middle of The Unsleeping City: Chapter II right now and I'm lovin' it. I wanna write an equivalent story for Perth, and explore the magic beneath Perth, but to be honest there would only be the one magic neighbourhood of Fremantle and the rest of the place would be completely mundane. Cuz that's the kind of city Perth is. Gorgug is my favourite.
The last few weeks/months (time blindness), I've had really bad executive disfunction. My mental health was really bad, and I ended up with awful depression, gender dysphoria, and anxiety (as I tend to get every August-November). I've also been basically unemployed, and have only done about a total of ten hours' work in the last two months. So I have been incredibly stressed out about money. If it weren't for my parents' intervention, I would have starved by now, which would have been terrible for my analytics.
Oh yeah, about my previous journal entry? I used my uni holiday to do fuck all. I couldn't have started that new game show channel anyway, I don't have enough cameras or microphones to record a group of people playing any game.
Anyway, the other day I started my mid-semester week off uni, and I finally had a lot of spare time to myself. So I did chores! And when I ran out of chores, I realised that the best thing for me to do right now for my mental health was to stay busy and get outside. That's what I've been doing! Yesterday I spent an hour riding my new bike that I got from a friend a few months ago. Today I did it again! I ride around a big park near my house. I don't have a helmet yet, so riding it is illegal, but I don't reckon I'll get caught between now and Friday when my mum will drop off a bike helmet she says she thinks will fit me. A paddy wagon actually drove past me today and I got proper spooked cuz I thought they was gonna get me for riding my bike without a helmet. They didn't though, they went and parked behind the IGA. Not surprising, considering that's one of the few IGA's in Perth what sells fresh donuts.
Anyway, I've been getting better, which is great. I've also been getting older! Yippee! I'm still at the point in my life where that's still a good thing, hallelujah. I'm now 19 years young and I'm livin' the dream! Not really. But I'm doin' alright, I guess. This birthday was the first birthday in years where I haven't had horrible anxiety or depression.
By the way, I haven't stopped thinking about death since my last post. It's not healthy, but I haven't been able to afford a psychologist so I haven't been able to stop. UNTIL TOMORROW!!! Whereupon I will go to a GP for the first time in around a year. Not only will I discuss getting another referral to my favourite psychologist, I will also discuss GENDER DYSPHORIA, and getting a referral to an INFORMED CONSENT CLINIC, or maybe even an ENDOCRINOLOGIST!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I'm also gonna ask about my weird deviated septum that I think is the reason for my inability to smell or breathe through my nose, and the weird mild allergy to bacon, pizza, steak, chocolate, I think honey?, and a few other things that I seem to have always had. But y'know, first things first.
Woah, I meant to go to sleep like two and a half hours ago. Time flies when you've got ADHD.
I'm gonna make a grand return to YouTube in a bit. I've just finished recording my 14th YouTube video to put on the assembly line. I haven't posted a video since that shitty Americanism one on June 1st (very bad video, not an ounce of genuine interest on my part in that topic, just a simple failed pandering to my newfound Australian audience, who have since left me and been once again displaced by the usual American audience). I'm gonna start editing these recorded videos soon - I'm not sure in what order, but over the next few months they're gonna start coming out every week, and lemme tell you, it's gonna be GREAT!
I'm also working on my entry for the Third Cursed Conlang Circus. That was announced sometime around early June, and I immediately came up with a great idea and then forgot about it until a few days ago when the clock ticked over to September and I saw the due date for the CCC3 on my Google Calendar. I've now got two weeks to write and record a masterpiece (doable), while ALSO preparing for my FAMILY HOLIDAY TO EUROOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!! I'M SEEING TOM SCOTT LIVE ON THE 12TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'M SO EXCITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In short, things have been rough. But I have hope. And given that it's really all I can have right now, it feels like a smart move to have it. Because it is a choice.
I've got a GP appointment and a family holiday to look forward to.
And when that's over and I'm back at uni, maybe I can get a new job and go back to life as normal, but be a little stronger for it.
I've wanted to do more exercise and live a healthier life for years now. I'm really hoping that this new bike-riding coping mechanism is my path to that dream.
My #1 dream: have boobs. My #2 dream: be fit. My #3 dream: become rich and famous
(those aren't actually my top three dreams, I have no idea what those would be)
Today my partner told me she was worried about what other people thought of her, and I gave her a little lecture about self-esteem and "choosing which voices to listen to" when it comes to others' opinions of her. You know what she said to me? "Okay, Tumblr." wtf??????? I didn't read that off Tumblr!!!!! unlike SOME OF US, I have a brain with a language processing centre, and I'm able to come up with my own lectures to support you, bitch. UGH. /lh
Oh and BY THE WAY, Google STILL haven't paid me ANY of the $300+ I've earnt from Rhea's Language Academy! They said they'd mail me a PIN and they NEVER DID!! I'm gonna eat their brains. When I finally get all my YouTube money, I'm gonna spend it all on a flight to America so I can track down the Boss of Google and EAT THEIR BRAINS!!!!!
Home